“…Selfie, Selfie on the stick, who is the fairest self-centered, boring, friendless dick?…”
It’s super hard dating someone when you’re a complete narcissist. I didn’t realize I was until recently I went on a date and forget shortly thereafter what the guy looked like. Sure, I remember laughing and drinking, but mostly I remember talking about myself and being hilarious. Which is horrifying. Surely this man had something to contribute, but I was on a roll with my one woman show and wouldn’t be stopped. Can someone please find me someone as funny as I am to get me out of my own head? Or really, just tell me how to score a second date, because people seem to fucking hate me.
Amy, model, UES
True Love Ways
“Welcome to Quik’n’Easy Dates for You!” An impossibly perky woman thrust a nametag and clipboard at me. I resisted the urge to laugh and glanced at my friend Li, who groaned, and confirmed that yes, we were here for the speed-dating event. It was of the extra speedy sort tonight, 20 dates in one hour, three minutes each, to be exact. “Don’t worry, this will be fun,” I assured her. I was confident that if nothing else, it would be an utmost interesting experience and a great laugh.
You see, I work three jobs. As a novice New Yorker, or even an experienced one, this is not uncommon. Which means that to make ends meet, I must dash from one job to the next. It means I leave my box of an apartment at 8 am every morning with my ginormous purse—not because it’s the season for Balenciaga, (well, partly) but because I must carry an extra set of work clothes, food, shoes, and everything I need for the day—and not return until midnight. It means that I am often sleep deprived.
However, it also means that I am finally doing what I want and love to do, that I find my life exhilarating and full, and that means, in the words of my sister, that I am some sort of Power Woman.
Power Woman and all, the fact is that the time I have to go out with friends or even, dare I say, dating, has been downright rare. And in a city filled with TK men, there just isn’t the time to sashay bars looking for guys to date. So there must be a way to take the reigns of dating into my own hands. Which is why, based on a friend’s suggestion, I bribed Li with the promise of free drinks to sign up with me on this nontraditional, “real quik, real easy, match guaranteed or your next event half off” speed-dating event. I’m not sure what was causing Li’s anxiousness: the event itself, that they couldn’t properly spell “quick”, or the fact that if we didn’t match with any guy, our next event would be equivalent to bargain shopping.
But, no matter. I was here, and a flurry of activities enveloped me, cocktails were being drunk, bells were ringing, and yes, I introduced myself, you guessed it, 20 times. It must be admitted that some three minutes were longer than others. No offense to the dear sweet gay man or the wild-eyed actor who referred to himself in the third person, but I digress. There was one boy however, who I’ll call Matt, whose three minutes felt unexpectedly rushed to me. In short, I thought it would be nice to spend an entire half hour having a drink with him.
I had a lovely time, and when I thought about it, felt giddy with having a new crush. He called me the day after our drink (usually unheard of). “So when are you free again?” he asked easily. I paused, my mind racing. When was I free again? Genuinely baffled by the question, my worn out day planner had to be pulled out. Flipping rapidly through the pages, I found a tiny blank spot. “Oh here we go,” I said, relieved. “I get off work early Tuesday night at ten, not next Tuesday, but the one after that…” I trailed off when I could actually hear him frown.
“Go ahead and pencil me in,” he told me. “But maybe before that, say, tomorrow? I can pop into your work and bring you lunch…” I smiled at him over the phone. I really did like this boy, who I met in a situation as funny as speed dating. Who would’ve thought? “You know what? I’ll just take a long lunch tomorrow.”
Because busy as I am, I know I can do all that I need to do, and then, I’ll make time for him. I am, after all, a Power Woman.
Julie, optician, Upstate NY
“A Royal Mess”
What the fuck is wrong with you people and the Royal Family and the Royal Wedding and the Royal Couple and the Royal In-Laws and the Royal Sex Life – as in when is Meghan going to be pregnant, come on Harry keep the Royal End up!! As an ex-Brit I can only say you are collectively missing the discrimination gene. These people don’t deserve your attention never mind your fixation. At the very best those in the UK have no choice as they are stuck with these morons at the top of their food chain. (The Queen, poor soul, at around 90 years old, is obligated to drag herself up the steps to the throne room every day to keep the bald head of the moron-in-chief crownless). What were the sacrifices of the Continental Army all about if they weren’t supposed to free us from this outdated yoke. Enough already. We have plenty on this side of the Atlantic to be excited about without succumbing to the idolatry of the idle rich plus their hangers-on (hmm, sounds vaguely familiar). A Royal Mess was a 2013 movie FOR KIDS from DISNEY. What are you missing? What are we lacking? Where the fuck are we heading?
Dick, caretaker, Queens
“…You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time…” Abraham Lincoln
I am sure I am not the only person finding it difficult to keep their patience until the current members of the current administration are out of office – hands no doubt forcibly prised from the levers of power, kicking and screaming and forever crying foul – and the age of personal responsibility begins; congressional hearings, court trials and countless news stories for trial in the court of public opinion. No hiding place will be available. Do they think they will just get away with it? Mention no names but there are appointed public servants – on the national payroll with our dime – who lie, blatantly lie, not obfuscate or spin or prevaricate but lie every single day, knowing that we know they are lying and just don’t care. They know for the next few months their utterly shameless behavior is without oversight thanks to a House that chooses to close its eyes, hold its breath …and hope. However, their denouement will come. As Theodore Parker and MLK via Obama observed. “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice” So my comfort is taken from the knowledge that I have many, many nights of tv vilifying these moral perverts to enjoy, with a glass of something served with ice because as we all know, revenge is a dish best enjoyed cold.
Peter, sub-editor, Battery Park
“…Capitalism has destroyed our belief in any effective power but that of self interest backed by force…” George Bernard Shaw
To encourage the sight of ten-year olds with high powered rifles in their hands is the purview of the few; loose gun nuts with limited vision and a limiting affect on American society. And only the same few would argue with this observation. When another American stalwart – corrosive, unfettered capitalism – comes to the fore, opinion is again just as one-sided; this time however in favor of the motion. So when a ten-year-old entrepreneur rises to the top of the news cycle there is nothing but praise heaped on the able young American; nothing but kudos for his exceptionalism, wonder at his energy and inventiveness; envy at the ruthless determined way he pursues his goals. Not a thought paid by the majority for the effect this adulation for capitalistic success has on a young mind, his is the American way. No wonder then that the recent chauvinism has taken such a hold. This after all is the American Way. The American spirit of independence born of the spirit of the wild frontier.
Well guys (and it’s not only guys) we live in an every shrinking world environment and Marion Mitchell Morrison is long gone. It’s time to grow up and realise those people who don’t look like you, or talk like you, or dress the way you do, are not the enemy. If the Bonobos share 98.8% of our DNA – and look at them – then every single human being on this planet is our brother and sister.
The point being that a system – lets call it capitalism – designed to make a profit with every single
clause of its theory that leads us to seek a profit from every single person with whom we engage
cannot teach a ten-year-old the value of every single person with whom they do business.
That the system works is indisputable, just as all guns are not evil. Both however hold the seeds to destruction.
To expose our young people to either without constant regard to the dehumanising dangers of both is to shirk our responsibilities as adults.
John, composer, UWS
“…They f*** you up your mom and dad…”
With so much information on the dangers of high fructose corn syrup, particially-hydrogenated anything and plain old sugary and fatty food, it still boggles my mind how parents will not hesitate to feed these kinds of food to their children. I understand that junk food can be less expensive and sometimes more convenient. (This however is not always the case. Sometimes poor education, catchy advertising slogans and jingles and yes, sheer criminal laziness, are the causes of what could be construed as abuse of our most precious assets, our kids.)
Doctors and dentists and healthcare in general are considerably more expensive than easy options of meal choices and there is way too much information available to not rethink the way we feed our children and ourselves.
But then I’m just an East Coast Liberal with a vision too clouded by PC who takes all the fun out of life. Yeah right. Try telling that to 15 year olds who are too fat to walk up the stairs; so obese it will take most of their young adulthood to get over their parent’s dietary choices even if they could or wanted to try.
Richard, server, Midtown
BREXIT = NEXT HIT?
A whole lot of Americans believe that the UK exit from the European Union has absolutely nothing to do with the USA. Does not, could not, will not have any effect, influence or consequence for us. Maybe they’re right. But consider this: is the difference between say France and the UK any greater than that between say California (or New York) and say Texas (or Arizona or anywhere in the Mid West)? (Even the language barrier is similar!). If the Founding Fathers were trying to perform their magic today would they have any success? Or would they meet the same zenophobic, isolationist,, tiny-minded nationalism that is causing the problems in Europe (stirred up by hungry politicians). Of course the disparities in the various economies and the widespread differences in national character and culture of member states present huge hurdles to overcome, but without the necessary vision the alternative is a return to World Wars and The Wild Frontier. Attractive to some no doubt.
Geoff, construction, UES
